If I got to be in a room with my 15-year-old self, I would hug her.
I would hold her tight and super long, rocking back and forth cause that’s the hug she always needed then.
Now this isn’t saying I’ve never heard proud praises or loving, and words of comfort, but I wasn’t ever proud of, or very liking of Myself.
I didn’t even want a life.
I didn’t like being Me.
I used to cry every day. Lower than sad, it was another day to fight through.
My inner dialogues were always telling me I wasn’t enough, and I always questioned my existence.
And some times my actions and decisions reflected that too. Whether it was the toxic social relationships/environments I chose to have, or shutting out the world, eating once a day / having a toxic relationship with food, or imagining my death, in freak accidents.
Reading this letter the other day reminded me where my mind has been.
And yes still there are some shitty days from whatever, but Happiness is a recurring theme in my life.
And I’m seriously over the whole: hating Myself inner dialogue.
I fainted at the Wale concert at St. Andrews last time. And I knew it was coming too, the feeling is too familiar..
My vision gets like when you rub your eyes and you see random colors and kaleidoscope effects, my hearing fades like if you’re holding q-tips in your ears, and I feel hot, always from my forehead I sweat and tingle feeling.
I tried to make it to a spot to rest, to stop it from happening cause sometimes I can stop it before it happens, if I sit.
I was embarrassed I scared people like that. I told myself that’s gotta be the last time!
I’m not chasing a fitness aesthetic anymore for the sake of what they say is beautiful and attractive.
I want to make bettering decisions every day. For myself mentally, nutritionally, emotionally, spiritually, everything. I strive to be my best Self. Not just a “skinny” Paige. But an over-all well Paige.
I want positive vibes only.
I can’t let a world that doesn’t even love itself tell me what’s beautiful. It starts with me.
I would assure my 15-year-old self that I am amazing, and on the right track to focus on self love, not stressing “friends,” or “boys,” and to really enjoy being young and teenage life. I should’ve tried more sports, and spoke my mind more.I swear I was trying to change my inner dialogues and mindset but it’s hard and exhausting. It’s been 8 fucking years!
Andd I know people can lose as much (weight) as I have in 8 months or so, but I am proud, baby steps still get you there. All those high school senior year grad parties… I still got to enjoy those late night food runs in college. All those drinks, juice chasers and their calories whatever, and don’t forget the chocolate syrup on St. Patty’s Day either for the Peppermint Patties! I still got to enjoy the eating of everything on my 4-country Euro-trip and not giving a flip. More travels to different campuses,
And then still graduated from a school I struggled at, with University Honors AND 60-pounds less… sounds great to me.
Somehow and randomly having found the letter, as I decluttered my room.. I just had to put this out there. Eight years later and reflecting on how much I’ve grown mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually.. Just wow. And I’m still so young with so much more to experience, do, see, and eat!!
I would give so many hugs to my 15-year-old self because I do love her! And I would tell her over and over today. Because I should’ve loved Myself then. Though I started later, I feel like I started My self-love right on time.
Being overweight was heavy literally and figuratively heavy on me, and now I can let go, since it’s (the weight is) literally gone, and I found my voice to be open about what it has been like growing up overweight in a world that favored thin. Nobody really talks about it… I am.
Bless You for reading and even being curious about my test(imony) and transformation here.
I want to share three little things that were essential in my weight transformation and mental/emotional growth:
Thank you for visiting my space.
This is an apology letter.
I sincerely apologize for putting you through so much depression and mistreatment. Along with the abuse.
No person should go through the periods of depression or things I put you through.
I used to think it was other people’s fault for me being the way I was… but I was wrong.
I put myself through the hard times and blamed it on others.
I’m tired of my life. I’m tired of a lot of things. I’m destined to change.
I know what you’re thinking Paige: “You always say that. And you’re gonna fail your attempts once again.”
But no. I am not going to fail. I know this time in order for me to pull through external changes I must change internally first.
My whole mindset must be reordered and dedicated more than ever;
that’s why I’m apologizing to you.
I want to ask you for forgiveness. I want to change now more than ever, and I know I won’t be able to do it without knowing you’ve forgiven me.
You have a beautiful smile and should embrace it. Stop using it to fool others.
I’m gonna make it so that those smiles are REAL. No more tears, unless they are tears of joy.
I’m done with the negative thoughts, and paranoia over things that don’t matter. Along the path, everything will fall into place.
You need to focus on you right now. Not X, Y, Z, or anybody else. Because nobody can LOVE you more than Me. And if I don’t LOVE you then nobody will.
I know how much you want to be loved so I’m going to LOVE you the way you should be loved!
Once again: I’m so sorry! I’m going to change. Please be patient. Have faith in me. Keep your head up and cheer me on!